Relationship help
There are great riches to be had re-romancing, fine tuning and ‘up-grading’ the quality of your relationship. From how you talk to each other, to how tender and complete your intimate moments are. Re-discovering the fun you bring into each others lives, to the discovery or re-kindling of mutual interests. Learning to deepen the ‘presence and depth’ you offer, when you look into your partner’s eyes, when you touch tenderly, when you are vulnerable, when you are struggling. The ability to be silly and child-like together and take mutual delight in ‘trivia’. The capacity to open ever more deeply receive the love of your partner in the way it is natural for them to offer it.
There doesn’t need to be a crisis for counselling to achieve great things for you both. There is also not much ‘down-side risk’ to attending couple’s counselling. If you were to lose anything, it might be some pride and the familiar ground of relationship strain. These you can well do without, in my humble opinion. However it is unfortunately common that when couples arrive for counselling, one or both already have a foot out the door and counselling simply confirms and in a way supports or legitmises their decision to quit the relationship. There is a line, ‘The truth will set you free’ many however are reluctant to hear the truth. That iswhy I go through a thorough vetting process before I will commit to long term therapy with a couple (see previous section).
A cornerstone of relationship recovery and development is the capacity to clearly and ‘cleanly’ acknowledge of what your partner is saying/feeling, whatever the discomfort rumbling around inside you whilst you listen. Developing both the resolve and the skills to ‘hear your partner out’ and then kindly acknowledge what has been said, is one of the cornerstones to assist a growing sense of togetherness and safety, even as outstanding issues remain.
Another core aspect of relationship repair, in my opinion, is being helped to find the clarity and courage to confidently say both ‘how you feel’ and ‘what you want/don’t want’ in an assertive (not apologetic or aggressive) way. Many partners have ‘shrunk themselves to fit’ an unequal control dynamic over time and are literally too frightened to ‘speak truth to power’ as it were. Usually because they can point to the unhappy consequences of trying to speak up. Sometimes this dynamic has been going on for decades and the more sensitive partner is burnt out offering self-erasing empathy and understanding and despite wanting to aprticipate in relational healing, at the advent of couples counselling they recognise they just need support to leave the relationship. That is why I am very careful to refer people on to individual counselling if I or one or other parties feels strongly they do not have the energy for long term couples counselling.
Still another foundation element to successful partnerships is learning how to set clear boundaries with your partner, without being critical, blaming, rejecting or frosty. This means for example, being clear when your are or aren’t available to connect. Or, for example, saying clearly when you feel disrespected, ignored or discounted in a way they can hear you without misunderstanding.
Finally, my style of couples counselling includes a review of how well you are ‘looking after yourself’ by taking responsibility for a balanced lifestyle. Because individuals out of balance cannot contribute meaningfully to a long term tender and mutually supportive context of committed relationship. Sometimes there are ‘age and stage’ life issues that an individual needs help to look at and address. Sometimes an individual needs assistance to cut out mind numbing habits or be confronted about hurtful and disrespectful ways of behaving with their partner or around their partner. These aspects often mask deeper personal issues that would do well to be ‘dug out by the roots’.
Counselling then, finally assists with supporting commitments from both parties to self-care and self-development. I would say it’s mostly true that, “A couple that grows together, stays together”.
Virtually all relationships can be helped in some way by a skilled and experienced counsellor. Even if the help is clarity and support to achieve minimum pain and conflict in the process of separation.
